The Bigger Monster Ahead

Yesterday, I had a small crisis, which was comprised of a few smaller crises.  You see, along with the monster that I chose to commit to slaying by this time next year (running a marathon), I also chose to slay an even bigger monster who lives in a much further-away lair.  This monster is the famed PhD monster.  When I was a Junior undergraduate, back in 2004, I decided to pursue Philosophy as a profession.  I got all wrapped up in Epistemology, Metaphysics of Mind, Distributive Justice, and all that glamor (I'm sure you all understand, no one is immune to it!), and decided that my passion lay therein.  I started looking to graduate schools and committed to obtaining my PhD in Philosophy and becoming a professor.  I certainly took the first steps toward that goal; I got my B.A., I started grad school, attempting to get my Master's with the plan of applying to a semi-prestigious PhD program.  Somewhere in there, I had some personal snags (I really will have to tell that story sometime, it's my own personal "Fear and Loathing", but on a longer timeline, and less "cool"), and my academic situation became a small wreck.

Now, however, with my life back on track mentally, I am finding it a little frustrating that I will have to fix so much damage in order to build my life.  I need to lengthen my school tenure a little longer just to get my M.A. in good standing.  Then, there are the student loans that have lapsed into the payment period.  I am now close to getting a job, but if I get it, it will only allow for night classes (of which the Philosophy department usually only offers one per semester, if even that).  I need to take two classes next semester, and ace them both, to get back up to the GPA where I need to be.  Couple all of that with the fact that I am flat broke and in need of a car that I am not constantly fearing will die on me, and you have the background for the past few days.

So now, when I report that I had somewhat of a meltdown in front of my lady yesterday, it will come as less of a surprise.  We all have lapses in faith.  We all have times when what we are trying do seems like too much, and we are ready to give in, and just take the road that everyone else has resigned to taking.  However, not all of us are fortunate enough to have that time in the company of someone who cares enough to look at you, infuriated, and yell "if you're thinking that you're going to just give up and work the 9 to 5 now, that's just ridiculous.  I have no wish to be with someone who would just do that."  And that is the difference between how it used to be for me, and how it is.  This woman, with whom I was just hours before having a huge argument about people that I had known in the past, still managed to let me know that she wasn't going to let me turn in my dreams for a handful of bullshit.  For that, I am infinitely grateful.

With that all behind me, and with a renewed sense of direction and commitment, I got up, stretched and pushed myself.  I modified my running style a bit, based on a video I watched of how marathoners run.  I gotta say, it was a little easier to keep a constant pace that way.  I pushed past my old mark, running just over 4 miles (6.5 km), and did it in just under 36 minutes, which means that my pace was about 8:48 per mile.  Granted, that is a lot slower than what I'll need to do to run a marathon in less than 3:30, but I have moved up a bit in the distance running world.  My foot was throbbing by the time I finished, but it's not hurting so much as I type this.  As for the foot, it's nothing that new shoes can't fix.  But as for the rest of the journey ahead, I'll need to make sure I always have that someone who makes me press on when I don't think I have the juice.  She knows who she is.